( I WROTE A FUNNY SHORT STORY PLEASE READ IT)
I was standing in the doorway of a bathroom. The bathroom in question is one I’ve never seen before; it was large, white and even stranger, clean. This was not my bathroom. Just then, a dreamy astronaut came in behind me. I didn’t have to ask his name, it was Dave Langdon. As though I was completely invisible, astronaut Dave Langdon began to pee in the bathtub. I was smiling in admiration, whilst also wondering what he was doing, when he looked at me as though realizing I existed. He smiled at me as though I was the type of woman he’s been looking for his entire life. I grinned back; completely forgiving and forgetting about the fact he was peeing in a bathtub in front of me and hoping he would kiss me. Just then, Tony the Tiger came into the bathroom and offered me a bowl of Frosties. Wait. No no no, stop right there.
I awoke from my ‘Astronaut Dave Langdon with a hint of Frosties’ dream at six am on a Tuesday. You know you’ve hit a special, elitist level of cynicism when you can tell you’re dreaming within a dream just because things are looking too good for you. A cute astronaut boyfriend; a possibility of kissing; sugar coated cereal AND a clean bathroom. Things would finally have been looking up for ol Marge Michaels. I’m a 31 year old woman who is living in the big city of London. Obviously since I am dreaming of dreamy astronaut boyfriends … I am in a dead-end relationship – the only thing preventing us from breaking up is the fact my mother hasn’t been keeping well recently and I think if her only child became single at 31 it might push her over the edge. I wish I was joking. It’s not so bad though, I work 14 hours a day and he’s having an affair with his sister’s friend Irene. We’re both keeping ourselves busy doing what we love. I work as a head writer for ‘It’s All Good’, a comedy sitcom that airs on channel 39 (11.10 this Tuesday!!). It’s a show about a married couple that overcome new marital problems every episode and concludes each episode with both man and wife saying “IT’S ALL GOOD” at the same time. Obviously we get very high ratings. (11.10 this Tuesday!!!)
High ratings or not I love my job. I started working at channel four when I was 24 years old. I had just finished a degree in scriptwriting and sent scripts out to every broadcasting network in the United Kingdom. The only reply I got was from Channel 39, which I look on as an act of fate rather than that no other network wanted me. I called to set up a meeting with Mr. Wilson, the owner of channel 39. In this meeting he asked me to write an example of a comedy script and almost fell off his chair when I used “meat poles” as a euphemism for male genitalia. I was hired on the spot. I worked on a couple of projects but I only felt secure with my writing ability when I started work on “It’s All Good”. Mr. Wilson promoted me to head writer because I was “producing some excellent work recently” (that’s executive talk for “you’ve worked here six years and you’re still just a staff writer?). Regardless, I was a head writer on a new show, thus putting me in charge of a group of staff writers. My childhood dream of being the boss had come true and turns out you say “I’m the boss! Do this now! Get me coffee!” a lot less than expected and when you do, nobody does this now or get you coffee. The staff writers and I collaborate on almost everything that’s written on “It’s All Good” and they produce hilarious work every day. However, if Danielle pitches the idea that ‘they can go to couple counseling and then they BOTH sleep with the councillor I will waste that bitch. Im not joking, I love her and I would be lost without her but I will – Waste. That. Bitch.
I feel like I should mention now that yes, I do work with actors and yes, they’re just as amazing and down to earth in person. I AM joking. Lewis Clennan, the actor who plays the husband, has a pill addiction and can only work two hours a day without collapsing and being sent to “his special rehab” aka his girlfriends’ vagina. Rebecca Roberts, who plays the wife, makes my life as difficult as she possibly can because (in her own words) “Jennifer Lawrence stole my career”. I’m not joking. One time she tried to get me fired because I wasn’t writing lines that showed off her “acting talents”. Believe me, I was trying. Despite their difficulties and obvious disrespect for me, I still count these actors as friends. Rebecca and I first met on my first writing job ‘My Fat Dentist” where she played one of the dentist patients. We were both new to the network and decided to get some dinner together. ‘I’ve found my friend’ I remember thinking, until someone came up to her at dinner and said they loved her work on ‘My Fat Dentist’ and she decided to leave dinner to work on her acting skills and lose a stone. ‘I’ve lost my friend’ I remember thinking. When I found out Mr. Wilson cast her in her ‘It’s All Good’ I thought we could be friends again, that she would drop the fake actress drama and just be a real person. I was obviously wrong (see above story of her trying to get me fired) but I still wait for the day when she wants to get dinner with me again.
On that particularly cold Tuesday where I woke up at 6am, I noticed something was different. Chris, my boyfriend, was gone! I knew I should have cared but I wasn’t particularly bothered by this, I assumed he was just snoring and taking up Irene’s covers instead of mine. I continued getting ready for work, putting on my red wine stained denim jeans, my brown t-shirt, my belt and my special brown cardigan. It was going to be a good day, I felt good. It was now 6.15am and I had fifteen minutes before I had to leave and walk to the channel 39 studios, so I decided to make myself a rather healthy breakfast of three slices of turkey bacon and pancakes! Hold the maple syrup, Marge Michaels is on a health kick! It was now 6.24am so I double checked I had everything: Scripts, morning snack, pencils, afternoon snack, purse, walking home snack (I would just like to point out that I’m only two pounds overweight, I eat emotionally not for pleasure). I set off for work five minutes earlier than usual, wondering what hellish delights today had in store for me.